The Cobb Salad

Saturday, August 11th

I really had no plans for Saturday...no wait, I did. I was supposed to see the opening of my friend's zine at Beep Beep. But I was spending the evening in an idle splendor when my friend Jeff dropped by. Me and Jeff had previously had a whiff of drama between us, so it had been a while since we last hung out. But the day was going well, I actually remembered all the reasons I liked the kid.

But then Jeff started to whimper about needing a drink. I was actually cool with rolling substance free for the moment, because I didn't want to fall under the drinking leer. But Jeff was insistent and demanded tequila at that moment. But as we walked out, we were caught in an Arkin tornado, which always take about 45 minutes to pass. 45 minutes later we finally departed for the liquor store and promptly took three shots immediately. But this wasn't enough for Jeff; he needed some more extracurriculars.

I called the main man and hooked up the exchange, after a mild bout of Jeff's cajoling. Now we only had to wait, which allowed ample time for drinking. Me and Jeff started to move towards being three sheets to the wind. Finally we received the call to arms and moved in make our night moves. But the main man had to go receive substancies from a foreign country, so we deposit our asses in the parking lot and him inside.

Big mistake. My plan to make it to Beep Beep was fucked by this delay to get extracurriculars. The hour glass lent its last grain and the party in Buckhead was the only option. The man with the plan returned, but without the merchandise. We had to dip at this point, because the police had started to question why we weren't leaving the car. We decided to go back to the house to continue drinking and pick up my roommate James. We watched Austin City Limits with Calexico, which turned out to be a treat, but it was damn well 1am before we could even pick up merchandise.

Which leads me to the main problem with Jeff; the set of priorities were completely skewed. Women were waiting and we didn't even show up til 2am. Drugs cannot and never will replace pussy, which if that is really the case means you just don't like pussy that much.

Speaking of poon, the ladies at this party were outrageously good looking. They made Lizzy, Arkin's girlfriend, look low grade. I can promise you that Lizzy is in no way low on the looks totem pole. I was immediately accosted at this teacher named Ashley at the door. I only wished my fifth grade teacher made me this hot. Lizzy tried to facilitate, but I wished she hadn't. I decided to lure her to the car to do some introductory imbibing, but Jeff was the keeper of the substances. He felt this was a reason to include himself in the proceeding rather than to politely fade into the background. After his constant interruption of my pitching woo to the car, on the initial swigs from the bottle, and the walk back to the house, my chances with Ashley had evaporated. Now was the time for me to regroup, so I decided to smoke on the porch.












The one other black guy at the party decided to join us and what do you know if this man was not a sage. We didn't really have enough time to scope the party, but this man already had the low down. Not more than 10 words had come out of his mouth when he guided us all to the one girl we needed to hit on. I didn't even wait for him to finish, I just set out on a quest. She was playing Wii and I was going to try to use that as an in. But we had all heard the call of this prime real estate and there was some prospecting going on.

But much like the Gold Rush, too many hands in the river means non of us came up with gold. It was time to leave. But we were dealing on Arkin time, which meant it took us 20 minutes to leave the premises. We became the dregs of the party, which is always a poor show. Then, between Arkin's dawdling and arguing with Lizzy, we didn't get home until 6am. I had to be up at 9.